Wow – it’s been over 4 months since my latest post. I haven’t blogged since before Christmas! So far this year life has been pretty hectic for us and I haven’t really had much time to write. First, let me say hello to all of my new followers and readers!
Last year, I shared with you the experience my husband and I had with our miscarriage. Long story short, we had a surprise pregnancy that ended devastatingly when I was nearly 3 months along; I detailed that story here. A whole 15 months have passed since then and so far, most of my blog posts have been centered around this loss. I remember feeling like I was never going to make it through that time of my life! But here we are over a year later and we’re making it through. God has kept us. We’re not over it, I don’t think you ever “get over” something like that. However, we’ve adjusted and we’re okay now. I am okay.
What I haven’t talked much about though is what’s been going on since then. Marcus and I are coming up on 2 years of marriage. With that, people are getting really antsy and for whatever reason feel comfortable enough to ask about our family planning.
“Where are the babies?”
“You must be waiting until you finish medical school. Smart girl!”
“Are y’all thinking of having kids any time soon?”
If you’ve been married longer than 15 minutes I’m sure you’ve heard it all before, too! Usually I just force a smile and say some vague, canned response like “Whenever the time is right I guess”. I can’t really get mad; most of these questions come from well-meaning friends and family who are genuinely interested in my life. But very few people know that Marcus and I are currently trying to get pregnant again, and have been trying again since last March when we were cleared after the miscarriage. I think now is an appropriate time for me to share.
It’s been 14 months of trying. 14 months of failing. 14 months of unwanted periods and negative pregnancy tests. 14 months of wondering what’s wrong with me. 14 months of Facebook pregnancy announcements and baby shower invitations (don’t worry, I’m happy for you. Just sad for me). 14 months of praying and crying out to God.
It’s also been 14 months of amazing baby-making with my husband – so it ain’t all bad. #heyboo
Point is we’ve been trying again for over a year and nothing is happening. And as discouraging and frustrating as that is for us, there are so many other couples out there who have it far worse and have been silently struggling to start a family for years. Making a baby may be natural, but that doesn’t make it simple. A lot of people have long and very complicated journeys to parenthood.
1 in 8 couples struggle with infertility
Even though it is common, infertility is just one of those things that people don’t openly discuss…especially within the African American community. It’s often presumed that women of color don’t have issues getting pregnant. Period. It’s a stereotype that has historical origin and is still perpetuated in our community today. I could honestly write a paper on this topic but we’ll save that for another blog post.
Anyway, we assume infertility only happens to wealthy, “workaholic” white women who decide to have a baby a little too late in life. But the truth is, black couples are more likely to experience infertility than their white counterparts; and are less likely to seek medical treatment for it. I think there are several factors that play into this, including access to healthcare, affordability of infertility treatment, lack of reproductive health awareness, and religion. For example, we say things like “God must not want you to be pregnant right now, just keep praying. He will make a way”. Now don’t get me wrong – I am a believer in Jesus Christ and I have no doubts about the power of prayer. However, what doesn’t occur to most is that sometimes “a way” is made through help from others. If you’ve been trying to get pregnant for a year or longer and haven’t been able to, that’s infertility; and you should see your doctor.
Many people don’t know that infertility is defined as not being able to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term within 12 months of actively trying
Another reason why I think African Americans are less likely to seek help for infertility is because of the shame and embarrassment they feel. There is an undeniable stigma that comes with having trouble achieving or sustaining a pregnancy. If you don’t believe me, then think about why we use negative terms like “dried up” when referring to an infertile woman; or “shooting blanks” when a man can’t impregnate his wife. An important step in overcoming that stigma is to have open and honest conversations about it.
I guarantee that someone you know is currently experiencing the heartbreak of infertility, whether they are open about it or not. This week (April 23-29, 2017) is National Infertility Awareness Week and I wanted to share my story because I know how it is to feel alone on this journey. Thankfully I have a wonderful husband to fight with me, but as a unit we often feel isolated. I get it. The lost babies, unsuccessful treatments, hospital stays, constant poking for blood work, constant probing for ultrasounds, the bills, the waiting, the uncertainty – it’s hard.
We are currently seeing a specialist at an infertility clinic and received a diagnosis last week. I won’t go into detail in this particular blog post, but the news was bleek. Basically our doctor said he has no idea how we even got pregnant the first time, and it’s going to take a serious miracle for us to conceive again.
Thank God, He specializes in miracles.
If you’d like to follow our story, I will be blogging more about our real-life experiences with infertility as it happens. Usually people share their battle with starting a family after they successfully have babies. Testimonies are great and very encouraging! However I do think there aren’t enough couples voicing their struggles as they go through them. These blogs will naturally be a little more personal and because of that I don’t plan to post every single one on social media, so make sure to click the “Follow” button to receive updates in your email.
Infertility In The Media