Our Small Memorial Service For August

Well, this past weekend was my due date. August 26, 2016. And to be honest, it was just as hard as I thought it was going to be.

August 27th was the due date as calculated by the date of my LMP (last menstrual period), but August 26th was the estimated due date from our dating ultrasound. So, this past weekend there were a lot of tears. A lot of pits in my stomach and lumps in my throat.

Miscarriage is a strange loss. I can’t say we were able to think back on the good times and fun memories we made with our deceased loved one…because there weren’t any. This child died in utero before we could even see him crack a smile. The only memories I have of my baby are hearing his heart beat for the first time, and seeing his fully formed face on ultrasound the day we found out we were miscarrying. Both my husband and I heard the heartbeat, but only I saw his face. The ultrasound tech didn’t print the picture,  so the only place that memory will ever exist is in my mind.

Friday night included laying on my mothers lap for 15 minutes, bawling my eyes out. There is something about her that is so comforting to me. Her hands, her voice, all soothed me like I was her little girl again as she was trying to console me. Then I went home with my husband and we spent the night relaxing together.

Saturday wasn’t as bad, I think that was because I had a million things to do that day. I kept my mind occupied and kept moving, which helped me not get so down. I ended up going out with some of my good friends to celebrate a graduation. One of them asked me “When are y’all having kids?” Ouch. She has no idea that she is picking at an invisible scab. “Oh, soon I hope. We’ll see!” with a forced grin on my face. Then she said something that sent chills down my spine. She said “You look like a mom, and not in a bad way. You just look really motherly right now, I feel it. It’s going to happen soon”. I figured it may be awkward if I hugged her and started crying immediately and uncontrollably in the middle of the bar, so I digressed.

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We had our memorial service Sunday. It was just Jesus, hubby and I, we went to a nearby lake with a half dozen balloons. We found a spot off the dock; he said a small prayer, read a poem he had wrote to August (which I’ve shared at the end of this blog), and then we sat for a little bit in silence. Then together, we let the balloons go and watched them float for as high as we could see. And then we left. It was harder than I imagined to let the balloons go. For those 15 minutes…from the time it took to get from the party store to the lake, those balloons meant something. It was so hard to let go. There were no tears from me on Sunday. I got a little choked up, but my husband did cry. We spent the rest of the evening home.

I think the hardest part about it all was that this day seemed like just a normal day for the rest of the world. Nobody but our closest family even realized it was our due date, and I don’t think anyone would have cared much if I told them anyway. In our world, someone very important to us had died and today was their funeral. But, to the rest of the world…it was just another day. As a matter of fact, according to social media it was national dog day. Just another day. The bad news is that the world keeps turning and life keeps happening.

But, you see, that’s also the good news. The world keeps turning, and life keeps happening. I thank God that I am able to hold onto his promises and keep going forward in His strength. God is working, even (and especially) when I don’t understand. It’s taken a lot for me to even get to this point, and I am so thankful.

I’ve included (with his permission) a poem written by my dear husband:

From the moment your existence was learned things changed
Titles change, life changes and everything rearranges
Excitement follows
Followed by anticipation
Then in the blink of an eye everything changes
And life seems so hollow
Days go by
People come by and tears eventually go dry
But never mistake the pain is very much alive
The impact you have had on our lives is immeasurable
While everyone else seems to have forgotten
I carry the weight of your absence with me everywhere I go
But I firmly trust and believe in God that your absence is not in vain
Unfortunately you served your purpose for us before the world would know your name
Who we are today is a direct result of you
And in this life and the next know that mommy and daddy will always love you
Have you memorialized your stillborn or miscarried baby? What did you do? Did it help you cope with the loss? Comment below!
xoxo,
-N

12 Comments

  1. Thank you for sharing your story. I also had a missed miscarriage. On my 11 week visit, I found out my baby at 10 weeks and 1 day. I’ve had to endure a due date and birthday 9/17/16. I guess what hurts most for me, are people not comprehending this isn’t something you just get over. I still have outburst, I still have questions, and I blame myself. I know our angels are looking down on us, and one day we’ll be blessed to carry again.

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    1. Thanks for sharing! I agree, some people just don’t understand this type of loss. Grief has a mind of it’s own, some days are better than others but you never get over it. Standing with you in prayer! 💕💜 I’m very sorry for your loss.

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    1. Oh honey, we are in the same boat! No matter the circumstances surrounding the miscarriage, it is still the death of a baby and the pain is just as real for you as it is for me. ❤ Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I look forward to reading more of your blogs! 🙂

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  2. My heart breaks for you and I truly understand your pain. My due date was to be October 3, 2016 but unfortunately I will face that day like you yourself are going through. There are no words I can truly say to help your pain because I know there are none for myself from others. We don’t know each other and maybe live worlds apart but we have a bond that will forever be within us and a emptiness that will always be there. With heartfelt sympathy I hope God wraps his arms around you and will continue to do so because there is so much that lies ahead for mother’s like you and I that we will forever and always bring us an understanding pain because we will always wonder who they would’ve been. Thoughts and Prayers

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    1. Awww, first let me say I am so very sorry for your loss! Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. Yes, we do share a common experience and I believe in standing together! I appreciate your prayers and I will also be praying for you. 💜 much love!

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