Can I be honest with y’all? I mean brutally honest?
When we first miscarried, I felt like I had more “reason” to grieve than my husband did. I mean, I was the one who carried the child, I had the physical connection, I was the one being poked and prodded at every doctor visit and I was the one who physically endured the miscarriage and surgery. I felt like my loss was greater. Me. Me. Me. I was so flawed in my thinking and I thank God I got over myself quickly! Soon I realized that my experience with pregnancy and miscarriage was different from his just by virtue of me being a woman, and him being a man. But that didn’t mean that the miscarriage was any “worse” for me than it was for him.
Both hubby and I were crushed (to say the least) when we found out we lost the baby. Our family and friends were supportive, but at the end of the day all we had was each other. My husband was strong for us. He protected me, restricted access to me when I hated the world and didn’t want to be bothered, prayed for me when I could barely pray for myself, cleaned and cooked on the days when I was physically or mentally unable…he was everything. He helped me through my depression after the loss which was an unbelievable burden on us both.
He was more concerned about me and helping me cope, and I was trying my best to be there for him, too, but truth be told I was a wreck. So throughout the grieving process I had him and he had…a semblance of me. A shell. A walking corpse. I was pretty useless so he had to bear down and be strong for us both. Whenever I told him I was sorry that I couldn’t be there for him the way he was there for me, he said “Don’t worry about me babe, God has me. God is here for us and I am here for you“. He’s such a sweetheart. I know he meant what he said, and I truly believe that God was with us…but I still feel guilty that I was such a lousy “shoulder to lean on” during that time. Because truth be told, he needed me. Men hurt, too.
My husband was so focused on being there for me and supporting me after our loss; sometimes I think he never really dealt with it himself. He put his feelings on the back burner and put me on his back. I asked him to comment on his experience with miscarriage, and I’ve quoted it here:
It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. Definitely a test of my faith and strength. In a time where something pained me so much, I still had to be strong for her; because we still needed to be able to function on a day to day basis. At first people were calling asking how we were doing, then they stopped asking about us and only asked about her. But I was still hurting.
In our struggles with infertility, infant and pregnancy loss, let’s not forget the would-be-dads. They may be hurting too, even if they don’t show it. Fathers are the unsung heros most of the time, especially during a pregnancy. It’s a lot of attention on the growing baby and the mommy-to-be; while the daddy usually takes a back seat to all the excitement and looks forward to fatherhood. And when those expectations of fatherhood are suddenly squashed, it is as equally as painful as any other type of loss. That’s why when I woke up on this Father’s Day morning, the first thing I did was hug my husband. I hugged him and held him tight; and he cried. We laid there that way for about 10 minutes and I didn’t say a word. Men hurt, too.
Everyone handles grief differently. How did your husband/fiance/boyfriend react after your miscarriage? Comment below! 💜