I started writing about a month or so ago. It is really therapy for me, as my husband and I are going through a miscarriage. After allowing him to read what I had wrote he says “wow, babe you should really do something with this. Let someone else read it, write a book, something”! While flattering, I don’t think what I have to say is exactly book worthy, so today I decided to start this blog. Feel free to visit the “about” section if you haven’t already for a brief introduction; because I am going to skip all of that here and get right to it!
As a warning, this first post is rather long. I don’t plan on all of my blog posts being this long but due to the way this story ends I really just wanted to savor every moment and recount this day as clearly and thoroughly as I can. This is one of those things that I have to do for me and my healing process. You’re welcome to skip and find another post, or you can read along and relive this day with me.
On December 14, 2015 I took a physiology test, the final exam actually, which I failed. I hadn’t been able to focus too much the days leading up to the exam so I was unprepared. Actually, I cried several times while taking the test because I pretty much knew it was a fail.
Thinking back on it I am laughing now but at the time I was just so emotional. After I took the exam, I went to Five Guys and ordered a burger: two patties, A1 sauce, American cheese and sautéed mushrooms. This is an important detail because at the time I actually wasn’t eating red meat. I mean I’ll have a steak on special occasion, a birthday or something, but otherwise I haven’t had beef in over 2 years. So anyway, I had this hankering for a burger from Five Guys…and I indulge. I’m thinking I’ll just “treat myself” after such a brutal exam and then go home to cry some more. After eating the burger, I had some heartburn…which I counted to the fact that my body was probably trying to decode the now foreign substance I had just ingested. I had been having heartburn for the past couple weeks though which was pretty odd for me.
That thought was fleeting and when I got home I texted my husband about how terrible the exam was and how I was so upset… “I hate everyone and everything!” I distinctly remember saying that, I was being so dramatic. He’s all like “Honey, what’s the problem? You don’t sound like yourself”. As soon as he said that, a light bulb goes off. I didn’t text him back. In my head I’m like…I haven’t even missed my period yet, I should just stop freaking out. I’m not even due for it until next week. But hubby is right, something is up. I feel different. Something is different.
On December 14, 2015 I also took another test. Only this time it was a pregnancy test, which I passed with flying colors. Go figure. One little purple line appeared in the test window and I looked on the packaging it came in to read the directions. Whew, that’s just the control line. Okay, good, maybe I was wrong. I was on birth control just last month anyway, so it can’t be. But wait, what is…there’s another…that looks like a second li- oh crap. That’s another line. It’s positive. This test is positive. I literally started crying and talking to God in bathroom like “Jesus, I know I’ve always wanted a baby, but I meant one day, not today”.
When we got married, I started birth control and had been on it up until just one month before, when there was a lapse in my health insurance coverage and we didn’t want to pay for the birth control pills out of pocket. They were like $100. Hell no. So we figured we’d fix the insurance issue for next month and grab a box of Magnums to get us through in the mean time. We obviously got caught slipping. I come out the bathroom and my puppy is sitting at the door, looking at me. I’m staring back at him wondering if he heard me in the bathroom freaking out or if he notices anything different about me.
I walk to the mirror in my bedroom and stare at my face, then my gaze moved towards my belly and reality set in. I have to make sure this is really happening. I pack up my purse, grab my dog, and rush out the door. In the car hubby texted me, I forgot I never replied to his text. He asked me if he should come home early, he’s really worried about me. He’s such a sweetheart. And he’s so unsuspecting. Poor thing. “Yes baby, please come home if you can, if not it’s okay. I don’t want you to miss work”. He tells me he’s coming home anyway, gosh I love him. I drove down the street to the pregnancy clinic and asked for a confirmation pregnancy test. Maybe something was wrong with the test I just took at home.
When I get to the bathroom, the exact same pregnancy test brand I just took at home is sitting on the counter. Funny. I leave my sample and go to the room to wait for the results. The longest two minutes of my life, I swear! I looked down at my wedding ring; oh how I love this man. I am pregnant with his child, I should be overjoyed.
The lady comes back to the room with a little tin tray that holds my pregnancy test…and my future… and says “well, it’s very faint…but it’s there! It’s positive! You’re pregnant!” She’s smiling. The smile disappears from her face as she realizes I am bawling. She grabs the tissue box for me and asks, ”what’s the matter sweetheart?” I blurt out in the most ridiculous way “I can’t be pregnant right now, I just started medical school! I just finished taking a final exam today for my first semester of med school!” She looks at me and says “Oh, I can see how that would be shattering.” Really, lady?! Then she asks me if I am planning to continue with the pregnancy or if I wanted info on termination. Really, lady?! Do I look that distraught?! I’m upset, but not that upset. Sheesh! I kindly tell her no, I am not interested in an abortion. This child is wanted, it just came as a shock.
So she gives me information on healthy pregnancy and a paper that has my due date written on it. August 27, 2016. That’s when it really set in for me. This is is real. I am really pregnant, like really. I was only 3 weeks and 4 days when I found out. I hadn’t even missed my period yet. But there was a little soul in my tummy and I was in love. I was also like a deer in headlights.
I go back out to the car where my pup is sitting in the front seat. He’s such a rider, I’m so glad he was there for me. I would’ve taken him in with me for moral support if dogs were allowed in public buildings. I get back in the car and I go on Pinterest looking up cute ways to tell your husband you’re pregnant and everything is far too elaborate to pull off in 1 hour. But it was our first child, I had to do something.
I went to the dollar store and picked up a few pregnancy tests (okay more like 5 – and yes I took them all…can never be too sure) and went over to the Christmas tree ornaments and decided to just write a message on those and give them to hubby as a pregnancy reveal. It was perfect, being that Christmas was just a little less than 2 weeks away, and we’d even have a cute little keepsake forever to hang on our tree every year! I rushed home and wrote on one ornament “coming August 2016” and on the other “you + me = 3”, put them both in a Victoria’s Secret bag and placed it under the tree.
I called one of my friends from school and told her everything; I was freaking out and nervous of what hubby would say. Everything was just so crazy that day. She reassured me that all would be fine. I’d take a year off after post-bac, give birth to a beautiful baby in 8 months, still finish medical school and still become a doctor and all would be right with the world.
My husband got home about 10 minutes after I hung up with my girl friend. I could see on his face that he was concerned. I was sitting on the couch in the living room when he came in. He had a red hat on, he was so cute. I just remember looking at him when he walked in thinking how handsome he was, and how much I loved him. I told him about my crazy day (having left out the small detail of my new pregnancy) and I asked if we could exchange early Christmas gifts to help me feel better, he agreed. I offered to go first, knowing what my gift was and truly not expecting anything in return.
I gave him the Victoria’s Secret bag and told him it was a gift for us both, to make him think it was lingerie or something. I felt so sneaky, I love surprises! I pulled out my phone and began to record, the expression on his face after he realized what was happening was priceless. Thinking about it now makes me smile. He was in shock. His jaw literally dropped and he looked at me with wide eyes, ”Wait, wait. Are you serious?!” he said as he laughed. I probably watched that video a thousand times that day. After it set in for him, we hugged and cried and held each other. It was a great moment that I will never forget. We were going to be parents! Wow!
We went out that same night and bought prenatal vitamins. I wasn’t sure what to get. I’ve always wondered if generic store brands and have the same effect as name brands. There were so many options, and hubby took a couple different bottles of vitamins up to the pharmacy, which was closed at the time. He caught someone behind the desk anyway and asked them which vitamins he should get for his wife. He came back and said “as long as it has folic acid in it, we should be good. So just get the one with the most folic acid in it”. He’s so sweet.
Next step was to call the doctor’s office and let them know that I needed to come in and get a confirmation blood test. He said “I want to be at every doctor’s visit, okay? Every single one. And if for some reason I can’t be there I want a play by play while you’re there. I want to know everything” I was relieved that he was so excited, because frankly I was scared out of my mind and needed the balance. He’s going to be such a great dad. We got home that night and seriously couldn’t believe what was happening. We were in awe, in shock, in disbelief.
In bed he placed his hand on my belly as we fell asleep. I remember feeling weird about it because there was no physical proof yet, no growing belly or fluttering kicks. Just a semi-flat tummy with a little pudge from eating too much at lunch…probably that burger I had earlier. But our baby was so real to us in that moment, and it was then that we became parents.